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Why True Love Begins After You've Fixed Yourself Meaning

Beyond Mutual Validation  – How Relationships Can Shift from Neediness to a Dance of Equals, Co-Creating


Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Today, I’m venturing into shaky territory: giving relationship advice! I’ll write about couples and the reasons we come together. Not exactly a subject I can boast about from a success perspective, but certainly one I can theorize about as a psychologist.


To better understand why couples unite, what challenges their unity, and what brings them back together, I conducted the most profound research I could muster: watching The Ultimatum on Netflix. All seasons. (LOL.)


After just a few episodes, clear patterns began to emerge — patterns of mutual expectations. I found myself wondering: Is there just one reason why people unite? What’s the purpose of partnering?


Are We All Just Creepy Validation Cravers?

Let’s dive deeper into the topic and let me quote some of the real bits and pieces I’ve heard about why people unite — or why their unity is in danger:


On the negative side:

  • I need you to see me.

  • You don’t validate me often enough.

  • You are not giving me enough recognition.

  • You need to give me more compliments.

  • I have a list of ways you neglect me — and I’ll hold it against you.


On the positive side:

  • You give me strength.

  • You calm me down. 

  • You bring out my good qualities.

  • We bring out the best in each other.

  • There is so much reward being around you.


People often discuss relationships in terms of fulfilling expectations — what one must “give” to the other. Much of this revolves around the need for validation. Embedded within this notion is a system of reward and punishment: “If you don’t, I won’t.”


This deficit-oriented perspective frames relationships as a means to compensate for what we lack: I don’t have this, so you need to provide it. Relationships, in this view, become places where co-dependence thrives: You give me this, and I’ll give you that. And if you don’t, I won’t.

But is that what relationships are really for? Compensating for shortcomings? Filling in the blanks?

Adler, Freud and Jung Joining The Debate

As I wrestled with my skepticism (can this really be all there is?), I wondered how the great minds of psychoanalysis — Adler, Freud, and Jung — might answer the question: Why do we mate?


Here’s how a Socratic dialogue (trialogue?) among them might unfold:


Stef: Gentlemen, I was wondering why people become couples. Could you enlighten me with your perspective?

Freud: Surely, it is the unconscious pull of desire. The Id seeks satisfaction, and love is merely its tool.

Adler: Freud, your answer is too primal. People don’t form couples to serve instincts but to complement each other’s weaknesses. A relationship thrives when partners help each other overcome life’s challenges.

Jung: Complementing weaknesses is part of it, Adler, but there is more. True love arises when two souls come together to grow. It is a journey toward wholeness, where each partner helps the other discover their inner potential.

Freud: A poetic notion, Jung. Yet many couples seem less concerned with growth and more with repeating old patterns — finding, for instance, a father figure or mother figure in their partner. This unconscious pull is far stronger than you admit.

Adler: That may explain some dysfunctional unions, Freud, but not healthy ones. In a strong relationship, each partner provides what the other lacks, forging a partnership of mutual support.

Jung: But do we stop at support? A true relationship isn’t just a crutch for weaknesses but a stage for transformation. Partners push each other toward individuation, helping them reconcile their inner conflicts and become more complete.

Freud: And what of those who fail to grow? What of the couples stuck in misery? Surely, this reflects my point — unconscious desires often lead us astray.

Adler: Or it shows the opposite: people mistakenly believe a partner will fill their void, when real growth requires self-awareness and effort. A relationship supports growth, but it cannot replace personal striving.

Jung: Precisely, Adler. Love begins as a recognition of need, but it must evolve into a journey of growth. Without this evolution, the bond withers.

Freud: A lofty idea, but let us not forget the shadow of the unconscious. Whether it is desire or growth, the human soul remains a mystery.

Adler: And it is in striving to overcome that mystery that relationships find meaning.

Jung: Indeed, for love is where the human and the divine meet — a dance of weakness and transformation.


Coupling — A dance of Weakness and Transformation?

Here’s what we can learn from some of psychoanalysis’s greatest minds:


Perspective 1: Complementary Needs and Mutual Support

This view sees relationships as partnerships where individuals compensate for each other’s weaknesses. Adler believed that a relationship thrives when partners provide what the other lacks, fostering harmony and mutual support. Freud’s perspective complements this by suggesting that unconscious patterns often guide people toward partners who symbolically represent comfort or resolution. In this view, a well-functioning relationship offers stability and emotional security as each partner fulfills the other’s practical and psychological needs.


Perspective 2: A Space for Growth and Wholeness

This perspective interprets relationships as spaces for personal transformation and mutual growth. Jung’s concept of individuation — true love is the process of individuation — positions relationships as opportunities for partners to help each other integrate inner opposites themselves. Adler highlights the importance of striving for significance, and Freud adds that relationships help explore and transcend unconscious desires. Together, these ideas suggest that a thriving relationship fosters self-discovery, emotional transformation, and shared evolution, where each partner grows into their fullest potential through the connection.


Game On — Ready to Level Up Your Relationship Game?

When I think about what I just learned, I tend to think about relationships as gaming levels. 


Level 1: Compensate for Your Partner

You found each other to compensate for each other’s weaknesses and to reassure one another. It’s all about working on the negatives to balance things out — basically going from a negative number to zero on the scale of “Am I a well-functioning individual on my own?” Except, you’re not actually working on the scale yourself. Instead, you’re outsourcing the job: Your partner needs to step in and handle the parts of you that you avoid. Your partner accepts the deal because you’re doing the same for them: “If you give me this, I’ll give you that.” But when one partner stops fulfilling the terms of the deal, the entire relationship contract is at risk. And so, you’re stuck in an endless loop of “this for that.”


Level 2: Actualize Your Potential

Now you’re starting from zero — or higher. At this point, you’ve become a well-functioning individual who is balanced in most situations and capable of surviving on your own. You’re aware of your weaknesses, you’ve addressed some of them, and you’re actively working on others. You take full responsibility for your own life, your own demons, and your own growth. In this level, your partner isn’t there to fix you but to walk alongside you as a comrade. They support and challenge you, encouraging your growth while you do the same for them — free from the constraints of a “this for that” co-dependence.


Level 3: Express Your Fulfilled Wholeness

Here’s the “end boss” level — pure enlightenment, perhaps? Honestly, I can only assume what this looks like: You’ve resolved all your weaknesses, actualized your full potential, and feel connected to everything in the world. I imagine this is the level where you could walk on water if you wanted to. At this stage, relationships are no longer about fixing or growing — they’re about two whole individuals coming together to co-create something greater than themselves.


Partnering to Co-Creating Meaning

I’m not entirely sure about Level 3, so let’s turn to our great minds for one final consultation.


Stef: Tell me, what purpose does a relationship serve once both individuals have overcome their shortcomings and achieved their potential?

Jung: At that stage, the relationship is no longer about filling gaps or fostering growth. It becomes a union of two whole individuals, where love is an expression of harmony and shared purpose.

Adler: Indeed, it reflects true equality — a collaboration built on mutual respect and shared goals. Neither partner is dependent on the other, but both contribute freely to something greater.

Jung: Precisely. Such a union is the embodiment of individuation — two integrated selves coming together, not to change one another, but to co-create meaning.


What Level Are You At?

Hand on heart: where does your relationship stand? Are you compensating, growing, or co-creating? 

The path you take in your relationship is yours to define — what level will you strive for?



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